Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
