My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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