i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
