Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
