Who did Billy Mays play for?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
you had me at cake vodka
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
