You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
