My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Randomize
