After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
