I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
