i cant cry in cvs. not again.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
