I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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