you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
A bitchslap is in order.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
