mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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