they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
