Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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