so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
