Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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