Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
