Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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