just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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