I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
