In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
