Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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