You're my little dorito
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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