I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
