I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
