I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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