I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
