Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
