you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
