did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
