I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
