I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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