Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
