I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
