fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
