Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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