Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
