she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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