So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
