Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
