I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize