Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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