I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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