Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
