could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
