What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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