oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize