i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
