I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
