So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
