I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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