New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
