Cold hands, warm shart.
Me too!
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
