Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
