this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
