dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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