I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
