Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize