I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
