i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
