I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
