I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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